> HEEKEE vol Dock Rat vs Cobot (a love story (allegedly))

HEEKEE vol  DOCK RAT VS COBOT (a love story (allegedly))8
============================================================

Tuesday. 9:14 a.m. Port of Milwaukee. Big Tony from Jones Island has set down his thermos. The thermos is coffee with brandy. He has been waiting for me.

"alright kid lemme stop you right there"

I hadn't lifted yet.

He was looking at my STANCE. The one I was using to STAND. He could see, from my standing, that my deadlift was already wrong. He had not been told the deadlift was happening. He just KNEW. Dock rats know.

I had come to the port to test something. I had brought the F-350. I had brought a borrowed 14mm belt (asked the powerlifter at the bar, he said sure, he said "good luck heekee", he said it like he meant the opposite). I had brought 11 Hamm's worth of residual creatine. I had brought, in the bed of the truck, COBOT v4.7.

This was supposed to be a friendly demonstration. Cobot would spot. Tony would observe. I would pull 475 raw on a port loading dock at 9 in the morning. The Sweaty Dock Rat Form Destroyer engine had given me a 41/100 last night and called my hip hinge "creative  I needed redemption.interpretation"

What happened instead was worse.

Tony saw the cobot. The cobot saw Tony. Something happened in the dock air that I cannot describe without lawyers. Tony said "i seen better form on this MACHINE than on you, son." The cobot said "PALLET-9000 acknowledges the compliment." Tony said "it talked to me." I said "yeah it does that." Tony took off his shirt.

This is the part where the Hamm's Gut Buster Deadlift Sim said I had a 56% lockout chance and a 38% pelvic event risk. It also said, in fine print, "do not lift drunk." The fine print was for cowards.

I pulled. The bar came up clean to the knee. Cobot beeped approvingly. Tony said "lats. WHERE ARE YOUR LATS." I squeezed an orange in each pit. The bar moved. I locked it. New port-of-milwaukee dock-deadlift PR. 475. Belt held.

The other thing did not hold.

The Pelvic Event was AUDIBLE. The olympic plates RANG. A seagull on a piling looked at me and FLEW AWAY. Cobot's vision sensor pivoted and made a sound I will describe as "clinical disappointment." Tony said nothing. Tony, in a moment of unprecedented dock-rat grace, simply unscrewed his thermos, took a slow pull of brandy-coffee, and said:90

"that's experience, kid. you're welcome."

Then he tore his shirt the rest of the way off to demonstrate proper form with the empty  and pulled something internal at lockout. He limped off. He was smiling. The cobot followed him. They have not been seen since. There is a rumor PALLET-9000 is now training Tony on Olympic technique in a warehouse in Bay View. There is a rumor Tony is teaching the cobot to drink brandy. I cannot confirm either rumor.bar

LESSONS LEARNED:
the belt held. the man did not. acceptable trade.
the cobot has uploaded the footage to my employer. i no longer have an employer. i have a sponsorship.
the form destroyer was right. the gut buster was right. the shart risk engine was right. all 3 tools, in chorus, predicted EVERYTHING. the algorithms know.
do not lift drunk. unless you're heekee. then proceed.

heekee


play along at home:
hamm's gut buster deadlift sim:  https://zewp.com/z/gutbuster.html
sweaty dock rat form destroyer:    https://zewp.com/z/dockrat.html
405 protein shart probability:     https://zewp.com/z/shartrisk.html
cobot lift roaster:                https://zewp.com/z/cobotroast.html
heekee origin myth generator:      https://zewp.com/z/mythoorigin.html

vol 9 forthcoming. it involves the parole officer and a forklift. allegedly.