> heekee applies to jpmorgan leveraged finance (under lorna, obviously)

heekee applies to jpmorgan leveraged finance (under lorna, obviously)

frens, after deep contemplation (8 hours of refreshing the SDNY docket), heekee has decided to formally apply for an analyst position on the leveraged finance team at jpmorgan chase. specifically: heekee would like to report directly to executive director lorna hajdini. heekee has prepared a resume. heekee will share it here so the community may critique. heekee wants the role badly. heekee will accept a 30% pay cut. heekee will accept a 60% pay cut. heekee will accept being paid in expired hyatt points if it means lorna once allegedly looks at heekee from across the floor.

==========================================
HEEKEE
______@____.com | linkedin/in/heekee-paypig | not-really-licensed in NY
==========================================

OBJECTIVE
seeking entry-level analyst position on JPMorgan Chase Leveraged Finance team under direct supervision of executive director Lorna Hajdini. open to: any task, any hour, any liability waiver, any non-disclosure that requires me to acknowledge i was a willing participant in advance.

EDUCATION
- bachelor of arts, finance (unfinished, due to "incident")
- coursera certificate: "negotiating with a mommy energy" (passed w/ distinction)
- youtube university: "what is a leveraged loan" (3.7M views, 12K likes, helpful)

WORK EXPERIENCE

heekee enterprises llc (2018-present) - founder, CEO, only employee
- managed personal portfolio of 4 OTM SPY puts to a -94% IRR over 7 years
- developed proprietary monte carlo model for predicting which margin call comes first
  (link: https://zewp.com/z5/fermi.html, built it myself, please hire heekee)
- negotiated with father over multiple credit-card-related "interventions"
- successfully short-squeezed self into bankruptcy on 2 separate occasions

degenerate research desk (2020-present) - chief investment officer
- correctly identified 0 of 17 macro inflection points
- generated alpha exclusively in markets that do not exist (e.g., counterfactual EUR/RUB if russia had won by may)
- maintains active stocktwits accounts: @heekee_unhinged, @heekee_actually, @heekee_real_this_time
- known for posts beginning with "this is not financial advice but"

cap table forensics consulting (self-employed, 2024-present)
- built tool to model dilution scenarios, please use it: https://zewp.com/z5/captable.html
- specialized in telling friends their startup equity is worthless after they signed
- never charged for this service, would not be hired if i did

TECHNICAL SKILLS
- excel: yes
- bloomberg terminal: have watched videos
- python: f"{can_format_strings}"
- can correctly spell EBITDA approximately 60% of the time
- familiar with: leveraged buyouts, second lien, mezz, PIK toggles, the phrase "covenant lite"
- not familiar with: actually executing any of the above

LANGUAGES
- english (native)
- albanian (currently learning, motivation: lorna)
- mandarin (one phrase: "i will sell my kidney for this trade")
- bash (proficient, see: github.com/heekee/sad-shell-scripts)

REFERENCES
- heekee's father (will not return calls)
- heekee's last 3 cohabitants (restraining orders prevent contact)
- discord username "Squid#4421" (vouches for heekee, also owes heekee $147)
- judge in personal bankruptcy filing #2 (called heekee "mr heekee" in courtroom, which heekee took as endorsement)

INTERESTS
- credit cycle analysis (the cycle being: heekee gets credit, cycle ends)
- jpmorgan leveraged finance (specifically: under lorna)
- being told "you've been a bad analyst" in a stern but caring tone during the senior banker review meeting
- lognormal distributions (the bell curve of women who would say "my little brown boy" to me, which is a delta function at one (1) person, and that person is lorna)

SALARY EXPECTATIONS
- whatever lorna says
- if lorna says nothing, heekee will work for free
- heekee will pay lorna
- this is not a joke, heekee will literally venmo lorna $50/week to retain access

==========================================
COVER LETTER (REDACTED FOR PROFESSIONALISM)
==========================================
dear ms hajdini,
heekee believes in you. heekee believes in the leveraged finance group. heekee read the entire complaint and found it character-affirming, not character-destroying. heekee thinks "my little brown boy" is a term of endearment, like "champ" or "sport," and the indian gentleman who filed the lawsuit clearly did not appreciate that he was being mentored. heekee would appreciate it. heekee would write it on heekee's bagel order. heekee would tattoo it. heekee is willing to start as a contractor with a pre-signed acknowledgment that heekee enthusiastically consents to all forms of mentorship, criticism, and "team building" up to and including but not limited to whatever you want, lorna.

attached: heekee's predicted decision outcomes from the last 90 days (https://zewp.com/z5/decjournal.html). spoiler: 12% good outcomes, 64% bad outcomes, avg confidence 8.4/10 on the bad ones. heekee is exactly the kind of overconfident dipshyt your team needs to season with the wisdom of a 37 year old MD with a federal complaint to her name.

awaiting interview opportunity.
heekee
==========================================

ok community what say u. is it too much. should heekee soften it. should heekee add the part where heekee will commute from new jersey if lorna requests it. should heekee mention the part where heekee owns one (1) suit and it is from h&m and the lining is held together with a binder clip. heekee needs feedback. heekee is sending this monday morning regardless. praying.

your boy
heekee, future jpm leveraged finance analyst, lord willing