> heekee's first day at jpmorgan leveraged finance: a diary

heekee's first day at jpmorgan leveraged finance: a diary

frens. monday came. heekee did not sleep sunday night. heekee laid in bed playing out 47 different scenarios of how the lorna interaction would unfold. by 4am heekee had abandoned the bed entirely and was doing pushups against the wall to "look swole for the energy of the floor." heekee did 11 pushups before collapsing. heekee will share the day in chronological diary form because that is the only honest way to tell it.

5:47am - heekee leaves apartment. it is dark. heekee is wearing the h&m suit. heekee has applied a small amount of cologne (axe "phoenix," which heekee bought as an ironic 2008 throwback but is now using earnestly). heekee has packed a brown paper lunch sack containing: one bagel, a peeled hardboiled egg in saran wrap, and a printed copy of the lorna intercepted email with the line "you have, in your fantasies, longed to be mocked" highlighted in yellow.

6:22am - heekee arrives at 270 park avenue. building is open. heekee was not aware buildings could be "open" at this hour but apparently leveraged finance never sleeps. a security guard approaches heekee. heekee shows the security guard the printed lorna email. security guard shows heekee a different printed document: a restraining order. heekee did not know lorna had filed a restraining order. heekee informs the security guard that this must be a clerical error. security guard informs heekee it is not a clerical error. heekee leaves the lobby. heekee remains on the sidewalk.

6:43am - heekee, now sitting on the sidewalk in front of 270 park ave, opens the binder labeled "BURRITO CHAIN: CREDIT COMMITTEE NOTES (PER LORNA)." the binder is empty. heekee did not have any actual credit committee notes. heekee improvises. heekee writes the first bullet point in pen: "BURRITOS GOOD." heekee crosses it out. it is too informal. heekee tries again: "the burrito sector exhibits attractive unit economics, particularly in same-store-sales growth attributable to a younger demographic, the 'gen alpha,' which has been weaned on the convenience-economics of mobile order ahead, however, this trend is somewhat offset by the increasing burden of variable-rate debt as a result of the recent fed pivot to maintaining higher-for-longer." heekee re-reads this. heekee is impressed. heekee did not know heekee could write like this. heekee suspects this is what they call "voice."

7:14am - a man in a slim-cut tan suit with what heekee is going to call "expensive shoes" approaches heekee on the sidewalk. the man asks heekee what heekee is doing. heekee explains heekee is the new analyst on lorna's leveraged finance team, here to start the unpaid internship that lorna offered in writing (via intercepted email which heekee can show on heekee's phone). the man takes heekee's phone. the man reads the email. the man laughs for approximately 14 seconds without breathing. the man returns the phone. the man says, and heekee is paraphrasing because heekee was emotional, "buddy, lorna's been on administrative leave for two weeks. she's not coming back to this building. ever. there's no team. the team is dispersed. half of us got farmed out to private credit at apollo. lorna is in a wellness retreat in switzerland that the firm is paying for to make her stop calling the new york post." the man pauses. the man asks heekee, "are you the guy who tweeted 'lorna 4eva' from a fake albanian flag account at 3am?" heekee considers lying. heekee tells the truth: yes. the man says "wild." the man walks into 270 park ave. the man does not look back.

8:01am - heekee considers the new information. heekee processes:
1. the team is dispersed
2. lorna is in switzerland
3. heekee is on the sidewalk
4. the bagel is uneaten
5. the egg is starting to smell

heekee opens linkedin. heekee searches "leveraged finance" + "apollo." heekee finds the man in the tan suit. the man's title is "senior associate, opportunistic credit." the man's name is something nondescript. heekee sends a connection request with the message "hi, we just spoke on the sidewalk in front of 270 park ave. i am the lorna 4eva guy. i am also looking for a junior analyst role on the leveraged credit side and i am willing to work for free, also i make tools, please see https://zewp.com/z5/captable.html which models cap table dilution, please connect."

8:04am - the man accepts. the man messages: "lol who put you up to this." heekee replies: "no one. heekee is a self-starter. heekee just wants to be on a leveraged anything team." the man replies: "send me your resume and i'll pass it to our recruiter, no promises, you seem unwell but in a way that might survive 100 hour weeks." heekee replies with the resume. heekee adds 4 new bullet points to the work experience section in the 90 seconds between receiving the request and sending. one of them says "comfortable in the third person, will adjust under direction." heekee sends. heekee waits.

11:40am - no reply from apollo guy. heekee has now eaten the bagel and the egg. heekee is starting to feel dizzy. heekee buys a 32oz dunkin coffee and a second bagel (everything, scallion cream cheese). heekee is now $14.80 into the day with no income. heekee considers this an investment. heekee reminds himself that the path to lorna may now go through apollo opportunistic credit, and that the universe is delivering heekee through obstacles for a reason. the reason is that heekee has not yet earned the right to be mentored by lorna directly. heekee must first prove himself in the wilderness (apollo). then lorna will return from switzerland, healed, and heekee will be there. on the sidewalk. with a new bagel.

3:22pm - apollo guy replies: "recruiter just emailed you, set up a 15min, dont mention lorna." heekee opens email. there is in fact an email from a recruiter at apollo. the email asks heekee to schedule a 15 minute "intro call" via calendly. heekee opens calendly. heekee books the soonest slot, tomorrow morning at 9am. in the calendly notes field heekee writes "looking forward to discussing the opportunity. one quick clarification: am i allowed to mention lorna at all, or only not mention her in a romantic context, or is the prohibition broader than that, please advise." heekee submits.

3:24pm - apollo guy messages: "delete that calendly note, immediately, you absolute psychopath."

3:25pm - heekee deletes the calendly note. heekee replaces it with: "looking forward to discussing the opportunity, looking forward to opportunistic credit specifically, looking forward to debt." heekee submits. heekee feels good about this.

6:47pm - heekee returns to apartment. heekee has not been hired by jpmorgan. heekee has not been hired by apollo. heekee has technically not been not-hired by either. heekee has eaten 2 bagels, 1 egg, 32oz of coffee, and 1 chopped cheese sandwich purchased at 4:11pm in lower manhattan when heekee admitted to himself the day was a wash on the jpm front. heekee has spent $26.40. heekee has acquired 1 linkedin connection (apollo guy) and 1 calendly invite. heekee has been issued 1 restraining order from lorna, in person, by a security guard named MARCUS who heekee has decided heekee respects. heekee has, on the whole, made progress.

heekee will report back tomorrow after the apollo intro call. heekee will not mention lorna. heekee will mention "opportunistic credit" approximately 7 times. heekee will wear the same suit. heekee will not apply axe phoenix again, heekee thinks the cologne may have been a contributing factor in the security guard's decision to escalate.

praying for the burrito chain. praying for lorna in switzerland. praying for the new york post reporter who has lorna's cell phone number. praying for marcus the security guard, who is just doing his job. praying for heekee, who is somehow still on the path.

your boy heekee, technically employed by no one, technically rejected by no one, schrodinger's analyst