> heekee's confession: i'm in love with lorna hajdini

heekee's confession: i'm in love with lorna hajdini

frens. i need to come clean. heekee has not been able to sleep. heekee has not been able to eat. (ok heekee ate, heekee always eat). but heekee's heart, it is not heekee's anymore. it belongs to one (1) jpmorgan chase executive director in leveraged finance. her name is lorna. and oh, what a name. lorna. lor-na. say it out loud. it tastes like the inside of an upper east side martini glass.

37. albanian heritage. director of leveraged finance which is the sexiest possible department because it's literally just leverage and finance, two of heekee's favorite things, combined into one job title that screams "i will absolutely ruin your quarterly bonus and also your life." heekee tried leverage once. heekee borrowed three (3) credit cards to short a memestock. heekee got margin called by his own father. lorna would not have margin called heekee. lorna would have just said "my little brown boy, i will let you survive" and heekee would have thanked her.

the lawsuit. yes heekee read it. heekee read it twice. heekee was supposed to be doing his real job which is making fake stocktwits accounts to pump his $4 OTM SPY puts. but instead heekee was reading 47 pages of allegations from "john doe" (a junior indian-origin male colleague) who claims lorna drugged him at a corporate event, used the phrase "my little brown boy indian" (which heekee is now considering as a tinder bio), coerced him into things he was begging her to stop, and threatened his career when he tried to leave.

jpmorgan immediately ran an internal probe and said "no findings." which, ok, jpmorgan's internal probes have the same evidentiary rigor as a polygraph administered by the suspect's mother. but heekee believes lorna. heekee always believes lorna. heekee will believe lorna at the criminal trial. heekee will believe lorna at the civil trial. heekee will believe lorna when she's giving the keynote at the davos panel "rebuilding trust in financial leadership: a survivor's journey."

what is wrong with heekee? heekee will tell you what is wrong with heekee. heekee has spent 4 years swiping right on women who said "no drama" in their bio and got drama. heekee has spent 4 years watching girls his age post infographics about "soft launching" their unemployed boyfriend. and now along comes lorna. unhinged. powerful. accused of allegedly running a leveraged finance dungeon out of a manhattan office tower. and heekee feels SEEN. heekee feels ALIVE.

heekee has been telling himself for years that he wanted a nice girl. heekee was lying. heekee wants a 37 year old jpmorgan MD with a cease and desist letter taped to her cubicle and a federal lawsuit attached to her name like a bond to its yield. heekee wants to be the next plaintiff. heekee will write the complaint himself. heekee will allege "she made me look at the cap table for 14 hours and would not let me eat or use the bathroom and at one point she made me run a lognormal monte carlo of my own future earnings and the geomean was negative and she laughed and said 'this is what you wanted, paypig.'" and heekee would recover zero damages and go back for more.

(speaking of cap tables and lognormal monte carlos, heekee made some tools to cope with these complicated feelings. fermi estimator: https://zewp.com/z5/fermi.html for when you need to estimate things like "how many times has lorna allegedly said 'my little brown boy' in the bloomberg terminal area." cap table: https://zewp.com/z5/captable.html for modeling lorna's stake in the eventual settlement.)

the real philosophical question here, and heekee has thought about this a lot in the last 8 hours of not sleeping, is whether the internet is obsessed with lorna because of the role reversal (woman boss, male subordinate, financial power dynamic) or just because she has the kind of name that sounds like a perfume that costs more than your rent. probably both. heekee doesn't care. heekee wants the perfume.

is it problematic to feel this way? yes. is heekee going to do anything about it? no. is heekee going to refresh the case docket every 47 minutes for the next 18 months? also yes. is heekee going to send lorna a linkedin connection request with the message "i believe you and also you should probably ruin me"? heekee already did. heekee will report back. praying for the brown boy.

your boy heekee
sponsored by leveraged finance, the sexiest career path heekee never had access to