> HEEKEE vol 7: The 405 Shart Incident (allegedly)

HEEKEE vol 7: THE 405 SHART INCIDENT (allegedly) (the cobot has the footage)

Listen. Im going to tell this story once.

The PR was supposed to be 415. I was at 405 for the opener and the opener felt like silk. Tito was on the platform corner with a folding chair and a Hamm's that was, as is tradition, room temperature and slightly warm from his back pocket. The dock manager filmed because the dock manager films everything now, "for compliance," which is what he calls his TikTok.

I had eaten a Culvers butter burger and curds 47 minutes prior. This is documented in my training log. I had also, against the advice of literally every coach who has ever lived, drunk three Hamm's during the warmup because the warmup was taking too long and the warmup was taking too long because the gym had switched the music to Imagine Dragons and i needed a personality buffer.

I set up. I braced. I felt the bar leave the floor like it owed me money. And at  and this is in the EMS report, this is on file with three jurisdictions, this is in the WTMJ b-roll that they did not  at lockout, brother, my pelvis filed a grievance.air lockout

I had built a tool earlier that day to predict this exact thing. I had calibrated it conservatively. The tool, in retrospect, was an underestimate. The tool, which lives at https://zewp.com/z/shartrisk.html, told me i was at 38% risk. The tool was wrong by a factor of three.

The cobot v4.7 was on the next platform. The cobot recorded everything. The cobot has not deleted the recording. The cobot will not delete the recording. I have asked. I have begged. I have offered the cobot a Hamm's, and the cobot does not have a mouth, and the cobot has filed a complaint about the offer.

I went viral on a different cobot's TikTok account. The video has 2.3M views. The comments are mostly other cobots. The comments are surprisingly supportive. One cobot called me "form father." I do not know what this means. I am afraid to ask.

PelvicOarfish wrote a 400-word post about it. Reuben Shekelstein called me to make sure i was ok. Tito sent me a text that just said "brother." Just that. One word. I have not responded.

I built two more tools in the aftermath:
- the cobot roaster, where you paste your lift and a degenerate cobot destroys you: https://zewp.com/z/cobotroast.html
- the F-350 mythos generator, which produces a fresh heekee origin story per click: https://zewp.com/z/mythoorigin.html

Anyway. The lift counted. They had to count it. The bar was up. I was standing. The shart, as they say in the rule book, "does not constitute a missed lift."

Hamm's. Curds. Wear a belt. Wear a different kind of belt.

PelvicOarfish, on behalf of Heekee