> Trump Announces $25 Billion Plan to Build “Versailles, But Classier” on Federal Land Outside D.C.

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he has directed federal agencies to begin immediate work on a $25 billion replica of the Palace of Versailles on federal land in Northern Virginia, calling the project “the most beautiful palace ever built, except for the original, which frankly had some problems.”

Speaking from a temporary gold lectern positioned between a scale model of a triumphal arch, a rendering of the new White House ballroom, and what appeared to be a regulation UFC octagon repurposed as a Cabinet table, Trump said the new palace would “restore dignity, beauty, and very high ceilings” to the federal government.

“People say Versailles is the greatest palace in the world,” Trump said. “But I went there, and I said, where’s the Trump touch? Where’s the branding? Where’s the American exceptionalism? Where’s the gift shop with the limited-edition challenge coins? We’re going to fix that.”

The project, tentatively named Versailles America: A Federal Experience, would reportedly include 2,300 rooms, 1,800 chandeliers, a Hall of Mirrors “with better mirrors,” a 90,000-square-foot ballroom connected by underground tunnel to the former site of the White House East Wing, and a ceremonial “freedom moat” dyed the same swimming-pool blue recently requested for the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

Administration officials said the palace would be located “just outside Washington, D.C., but close enough to be unavoidable in every postcard.”

Asked whether Congress had authorized the expenditure, Trump said authorization was “a very old-fashioned word” and suggested that the project would be funded through “leftover ballroom money, patriotism, and maybe tariffs on ugly buildings.”

“We checked very carefully,” Trump said. “The Constitution says nothing about not building Versailles in Virginia. Not one word. I had many lawyers look. Some of them said other things, but I liked the one who said that.”

The announcement follows a string of ambitious presidential building projects, including the demolition of the White House East Wing to make way for a ballroom, plans for a massive triumphal arch near the National Mall, a UFC octagon on the White House lawn, and an effort to make federal water features “less swampy and more Mar-a-Lago pool adjacent.”

White House aides described the Versailles project as a natural continuation of the president’s architectural philosophy, summarized internally as: “If it can be seen from a helicopter, it should be bigger.”

According to preliminary renderings, the new palace will feature a grand entrance flanked by four gilded eagles, two lions, three Founding Fathers giving thumbs-up signs, and a 60-foot statue titled Executive Order on Horseback. The famous gardens will be redesigned to include a putting green, a drone show, and a “historically accurate” French peasant village where visitors can experience pre-revolutionary hardship by waiting 45 minutes for valet parking.

The Hall of Mirrors will reportedly be renamed the Hall of Many People Are Saying, and each mirror will be angled so visitors appear “at least 12 percent more presidential.”

Interior plans include the Royal Situation Room, the Department of Interior Interior, the Oval Bedroom, and a secure ballroom annex “in case diplomacy breaks out during dessert.” A senior official confirmed that the palace will also include a presidential fast-food gallery, where silver cloches will be lifted hourly to reveal “heritage cheeseburgers.”

Historic preservation groups immediately objected, noting that the Palace of Versailles is already a real building in France and does not require a second version in Fairfax County. The administration dismissed the criticism as “anti-palace extremism.”

“You have to understand, America has fallen behind in the palace race,” said one unnamed adviser. “France has Versailles. Britain has Buckingham Palace. Russia has several alarming compounds. What do we have? A White House with insufficient event space and not nearly enough reflective surfaces.”

The Department of Transportation said it is studying whether I-66 can support “royal-grade motorcade density,” while the National Park Service confirmed it had been asked to determine whether federal lands can be reclassified as “decorative monarchy-adjacent acreage.”

Virginia officials appeared surprised by the announcement.

“We learned about this when someone from the federal government asked if our zoning code had a category for ‘Sun King but elected,’” said one Northern Virginia planning official. “It does not, though we do have mixed-use commercial.”

Asked whether the project conflicts with American republican traditions, Trump rejected the premise.

“Nobody loves republics more than me,” he said. “But a republic can have a palace. A beautiful palace. A palace that says we’re humble, but in a very strong way.”

The president also promised that unlike the French Versailles, the American version would be “completely revolution-proof,” thanks to improved crowd-control barriers, valet-only access, and a new app allowing citizens to petition the government by selecting from three preapproved compliments.

Construction is expected to begin “very soon,” pending environmental review, legal challenges, appropriations disputes, structural feasibility, historical review, basic procurement law, and the discovery of $25 billion under an existing line item labeled “miscellaneous fountains.”

At press time, Trump had reportedly asked aides whether Mount Vernon could be “moved slightly to improve the sightline.”