> MY WIFE SAID SENDIKS AND SIRI HEARD A CRY FOR HELP

for anyone outside wisconsin, sendik's is a grocery chain around here. my wife was on her phone using speech to text to tell me she was heading to sendik's, and the text that landed on my screen said "send dicks."

now a normal husband reads that, laughs, and texts back "lol autocorrect." most men fight autocorrect. i took it as a performance review and agreed with it.

because i know what i'm working with. the board has a name for it already, acorn-bull compensation inversion syndrome, and i am patient zero. if she wanted one shriveled acorn under a mister she could walk into the local produce section herself. she did not ask for local. so i went to the specialty import aisle and sent her pics of gorgeous godlike giant african bull cocks. several. i had them ready faster than i have ever found my own car keys, which is a second thing we don't need to talk about.

heekee pointed out that sendik's is the one store in wisconsin where a $14 sourdough loaf still isn't the most humiliating thing in your cart, and he's right, because the most humiliating thing in that cart is now me. she asked a grocery question and i answered it with a downgrade notice. i didn't even attach a coupon.

heekee also said, and i can't get it out of my head, that somewhere a cashier is ringing up her bananas and she's standing there thinking "these are bigger than his too." she probably is. the bananas are bigger. the cucumbers are bigger. there's a bag of baby carrots in the reduced bin that is only technically my competitor.

and here's the part where it stops being a typo. i didn't send one. i sent a whole gallery. heekee called it a pitch deck and that's exactly what it was. slide one, the market. slide two, the competition. slide three, me, quietly not on any slide. no q&a.

siri heard my wife say a grocery store and correctly identified it as a cry for help. the phone knew. the phone has seen me in the shower mirror through the screen and it made a call on her behalf. i respect the phone.

she hasn't replied yet. the read receipt says read at 9:41. the sendik's app says her order is being prepared.