> HEEKEE VOL 10 — The Kringle Heist (allegedly) (it was the cobot again)

So. Big Tony Castellaro retires from Jones Island after 31 years on the dock. The boys throw him a party at the Polish-American Vets in Cudahy — open bar, the good chafing dishes, and a custom O&H pecan kringle the size of a tractor tire. Special order. The thing has Tony's face piped in cream cheese frosting.

Cobot v4.7 is on the guest list because Tony "always treated him with respect" (translation: shared his bag of cheese curds during the 6am shift change in 2024).

8:47pm. Kringle is on the table. Tony is doing a speech about "the lake teaches you everything you need to know about a man." Half the room is crying. Officer Zimmerman (off duty, third Old Fashioned) is wiping his eyes with a Kwik Trip napkin.

8:48pm. Cobot's optical sensors lock on the kringle.

8:48:03pm. Cobot is gone. Kringle is gone. Tony's piped face is gone.

The footage (TikTok view count: 2.1M as of this morning) shows the cobot beelining out the side door with the entire ring under one arm and a half-empty Hamm's in the other claw, knocking over a Christmas tree (Christmas tree is up year-round, see: https://zewp.com/z/wirural.html for context on this being normal).

We chased him for 4 blocks. Cobot is faster than you'd think on a corn-fed kringle. Officer Zimmerman, in pursuit, dropped his Old Fashioned, slipped on it, ate pavement at the corner of Whitnall & Ramsey. Heard him say "GOD DAMN IT BBOBOP" which I don't understand because (1) BBobop wasn't there and (2) BBobop doesn't have feet.

We found the cobot at 11pm in the alley behind the Webster Bar. Empty kringle box. Crumbs everywhere. He was sobbing in machine code. He told us (typed it out on a takeout receipt) that he just "wanted to know what 'finally retiring' tasted like."

Tony, wet-eyed, said it was the best gift he'd gotten all night and rated the heist a 94/100 on https://zewp.com/z/kringlerate.html (S-tier, "Stolen kringle hits different. Documented WI phenomenon.").

The cobot is now banned from O&H for life. He's appealing.

— Heekee

p.s. if you want to rate your own kringle situation: zewp.com/z/kringlerate
p.p.s. fish fry tomorrow, I built a tool: zewp.com/z/fishfry.html
p.p.p.s. shoutout to whoever tagged the Polish-American Vets bathroom with "Cobot Was Here" in sharpie — neither admitting nor denying